Breakdown Once Again

Dad,

Life has caught up to me again. I never thought it would happen again, but it did. I had another nervous breakdown yesterday. It happened on a Monday morning while I was at work. Just like last year. What tips me over the edge is a grueling work project that comes this time every year, which coincidentally comes right after Father’s Day every year. I took yesterday and today off work to have some alone time to recover. Recover from what though? How do I recover from this?

Ironically, I got through Father’s Day just fine. Amy and some friends came over for a BBQ by the pool. I remember telling Amy that I was surprisingly okay, because I know that you are at peace, and that you aren’t with her anymore.

Ironically, after I left work yesterday morning, the first song I heard was a song named, Alice. I didn’t know of this song’s existence until yesterday. I think it’s interesting that it happened to come on as soon as I left work to heal from the second nervous breakdown I’ve experienced in my life, a breakdown that is clearly partially caused by her. I turned to a different radio station immediately.

I miss you so much. The evening of Father’s Day, Michael happened to tell me “I love you” in the way, or at least I heard it in the way, that you said it to me the night they gave you Benadryl at the VA. That medicine made you slur in a way that was so scary and upsetting. An unfortunate side effect. That’s the one night I bonded with you, over any other night, during the course of that one week. I will never forget how scared we were together. And I will never forget the way I felt so helpless, and the way you seemed so strong.

So somehow, the day after Father’s Day, year two of you being gone, I had another breakdown. I cried every day leading up to Father’s Day. I was fine the day of, and then, BAM! I was hit full force with tears and the shakes yesterday morning. My boss was amazing. He has been so supportive, as have my whole team and everyone who now knows. I am a very lucky person.

The night of Father’s Day I did something I’ve never done before. I closed my eyes and imagined you giving me a hug. And it felt good. I said something I hadn’t said to you in months, “Goodnight Dad.” And that was my way of being with you once again. I will have to make a point to do that more often. I miss you so much.

Love,
snoop

PS -
Goodnight kittens. And goodnight mittens.
Goodnight moon. And goodnight stars.
Goodnight Dad.